for·give·ness
–noun
1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
2. disposition or willingness to forgive.
Forgiveness usually comes quite easy for me. I'm not one to hold a grudge or keep anger towards a person. In fact, I tend to forgive rather quickly and move on. I don't like someone to be mad or hurt towards me and don't want to feel that way towards others.
The other night I got to thinking about things, as I usually do before bed. Instead of turning off, my mind seems to race a million miles an hour, circulating with an abundance of thoughts, ideas, wonders, and sometimes worries. I suppose it had to do with a talk I had with my mom regarding a certain person in my life, but as I lay there in bed I suddenly had the title for my blog (which is what even got me thinking about writing one). From then on, I knew it was something I needed to address.
Okay, so I'll start from the beginning. I'm the youngest of three kids. My parents divorced when I was 12. I can't say I was shocked, nor was I particularly upset. In fact, I can remember thinking that maybe my dad would finally be around and want to be a part of my life. I had this secret hope inside of me that my dad would miss me and my siblings and would finally step up and be a father.
Growing up, he was never really around much. When he was around, he wasn't the most pleasant person to be with. I was ashamed to be his daughter when he would get kicked out of my basketball games for yelling or arguing. Looking back, I can't even recall many good times shared with him, much less many birthdays, get togethers, or family events where he was even around.
You see, I've harbored these feelings for a very long time. Too long! I've always wondered why he didn't want to be there. Why didn't he want to be a dad to three kids who longed for his presence? Why couldn't he want to want us and not make us beg for him to be around? I remember asking my mom why Daddy didn't want to do things with me, but would take this other kid out to have fun that wasn't even his own kid. Come to find out, this kid belonged to one of the many "other women" my dad saw. So why would he play family with a group of people he has no relation to and want hardly anything to do with his own kids?
During my high school years, my dad moved away to Texas with a woman he'd been living with for years. To me, that was choosing her over me. He chose to make her his family. This "WSM" (I'll explain it in a minute) never liked any of us kids. In fact, she made it quite clear that she did not want much to do with us and didn't even like kids. She expressed to me many times how she never wanted to have kids and basically how she was just putting up with us. So, I call her "WSM" because that is how she used to sign our cards (that is, when we got cards). It was finally clear that "WSM" stood for Wicked Stepmother. While I would say the word "wicked" pretty much sums her up, the word "mother" has no place used in any way to explain her. First of all, they weren't even married, and secondly, she never gave us the chance to get to know her.
For all these years I've shoved all of these feelings and thoughts deep down because I didn't want to deal with it. I feel like I deserve an answer to all my lingering questions. I've never talked about this with my dad because I'm not sure how to even bring it up. But, I've come to the conclusion that I need closure, not for his sake, but for mine...for my own well-being. I need to forgive him, even though he's never once apologized or expressed remorse or regret for any of his actions. He continues to make promises to me that he never seems to be able to keep.
To sum it all up, I decided to keep a journal of sorts to pen my journey to let go of the hurt and anger towards my father and once and for all give it all completely to God. It doesn't hurt my dad that I keep these resentment feelings towards him, but, in fact, only hinders myself from growing into the person I was made to be. I want to be all that I can be and do all that I can do and for that to happen I need to let go and let God. I know it won't happen overnight, but I'm making it my top goal to work on dealing with the pain, anger, and resentment. Writing has always seemed to be a big part of helping me come to terms with other issues in my life, so that's why I felt the need to put it out there. I'll write more along the way until I've finally come to a place in my life where I can say "it's in the past and staying in the past."
Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure. God saves me and honors me. He is that mighty rock where I find safety. -Psalm 62:5-7
No comments:
Post a Comment