As I was driving to work one day, I was flipping through the radio stations and tuned in to K-LOVE. As I listened, the song "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller was playing. Intrigued by the musicality of the song, I continued to listen. Then I really began to tune into the words of the song. Immediately I felt a connection. The words resonated within me and I thought about them throughout the day. Those words sparked something inside of me. It was like I had a revelation of sorts. Here are some of the lyrics that truly seemed to speak something to my life:
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or who I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has showed me what love, love really means
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner, then he would have stayed
Who will love me for me
Now I've had my share of upsets and heartbreaks at the doing of others. But these words had a deeper meaning to me. It was no longer just about wondering who was going to love me. Instead, it became about me and no one else. You see, I had become so focused on the faults of every guy who had hurt me and wondering why they couldn't really love me that I didn't even consider myself in all this.
While I won't go so far as to put the blame solely on myself for being cheated on, hurt, and lied to, I can take my share of the responsibility. I mean, how is someone supposed to truly be able to love me if I don't have that same love for myself? I had the realization that I had some work to do on myself (with the help of God) before any relationship was going to work out.
First, I had to confront the underlying questions that kept lingering in my mind. Who could accept my faults and failures? Am I going to be good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough? What did little ole me have to offer anyone that would make them want to stay and love me like I so desired to be loved? I believe these are things that have hindered me from being the best me I can be. I had so many fears about my past regrets and broken hearts and even questioned my value.
Truth is I'm not a perfect person; shocking, right? [Insert sarcasm here]. From the time I first had the idea for this blog I decided to confront all those issues head on. I never expected to go as deep as I have with finding the root of all these insecurities.
I've written a blog before about my rocky (to say the least) relationship with my father. To recap, he wasn't around much growing up and when he was, he wasn't someone you wanted to be around. My siblings and I (nor my mom) were any where on his priority list. Instead, his priorities lied with selfish desires that ultimately destroyed a family. Growing up, I always hoped that he would change and that he would want a real relationship with me. I would see how other fathers acted with their daughters and desired that kind of relationship with mine. It took many years, but I finally decided that enough was enough. It was no longer my job or my responsibility to push for a relationship with my dad. He is the parent after all and I am still the child. I did more than my fair share of trying my best to be a good daughter and to get his attention to no avail.
What does any of this have to do with the insecurities about myself? EVERYTHING! For so long, I secretly wondered what I did wrong for my dad to not want to spend time with me and desperately clung to these hopes and wishes that he would someday realize what he was missing out on and would come to me wanting to have that real father-daughter relationship.
Realizing that my personal and deep-rooted insecurities about myself stem from the rejection of my own father was truly one of the greatest "aha moments" I've had. During this time of coming to this realization, I've done a lot of praying, soul searching, questioning, and crying. It was a bittersweet moment for me when I traced my insecurities back to the source. I finally knew where they came from and could start the process of healing, but knowing it all stemmed from a childhood spent wishing for my dad to want to spend time with me and be a real father brought on a roller coaster of emotions.
I've very thankful for my breakthrough because it has unlocked all these hidden fears and insecurities that were pent up inside of me and I now have started the process of healing.
So am I good enough? Absolutely. Do I have faults and failures? You bethca, but who doesn't? Am I smart enough? Pretty enough? Skinny enough? Indeed I am. After all, I was made in His image. It's taken time and a lot of praying, but I can confidently say I have a lot of worth and value. Am I perfect? Not at all…and I no longer strive for perfection because it really doesn't exist. I've found a new perfection; my own version of being the best me I can be.
I've learned that I have to love me first for who I am and what I am before anyone will truly be able to love me the way they are mean to. While I'm not magically cured all of the sudden, I am taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. I've grown so much over these past few months and will continue to do so. Most importantly, I've realized that I do have a Father who loves me and wants to spend time with me. He never leaves me or puts me down. Instead, He reaches out to me and loves me unconditionally. After all, isn't that what true love really is? A limitless love that never gives up, never fails.
I do love me for me…
http://youtu.be/PgGUKWiw7Wk
